Doug's Darkworld

War, Science, and Philosophy in a Fractured World.

Breaking News: Radioactive Cat Discovered Near Chernobyl, Next Step in Feline Evolution?

with 7 comments

For the past several weeks rumours of an amazing biological discovery near the ruins of the Chernobyl reactor have been circulating in Russia and Ukraine. Today at a press conference scientists revealed that the the rumours were true. Russian and Ukrainian scientists studying the aftermath of the Chernobyl disaster and its effects on local wildlife have discovered the world’s first known radioactive cat. Despite emitting dangerous levels of gamma radiation and X-Rays, the cat appears large and healthy, and does not seem adversely effected by his bizarre condition. A team of  expert Veterinarians from the international group Collies Without Borders examined him at great length and concluded he was a perfectly normal cat in almost every respect, if possibly a little overweight. This may be a normal situation for a radioactive cat though, as his appetite is described as “without end.”

Scientists studying the cat at the prestigious Жертва первоапрельской шутки Institute in Ukraine are as yet baffled as to the cause of his condition, but are limited in that scientists can only be exposed to him a  few minutes each day due to his lethal emission of radioactivity. Not only does he appear immune to his own radiation, scientists have observed that it actually aids him in hunting, as small birds and mammals that get too close to him are weakened by radiation poisoning, thus becoming easy prey for “Dr Sinclair” as researchers have named this remarkable moggie. The radiation also offers him complete protection against fleas, and at least partial protection against dogs as they too are stunned and weakened if they approach too close. And not only can he see in the dark, he glows in the dark.

Scientists are hoping they can breed Dr. Sinclair and create a whole breed of mutant moggies.  Already cat lovers from around the world have inquired about getting a “Dr Sinclair” of their own. One might think that having a pet whose litter box droppings are classified as middle level radioactive waste would be a deterrent, but it’s a little known fact that under  current international law all cat waste is already classified as middle level radioactive waste. Novelty value aside, when asked of what practical use a race of radioactive mutant cats would be, Ukrainian scientists helpfully pointed out that no one has ever found a practical use for regular cats and that hasn’t hurt their popularity one bit.

The press conference had to be ended early as reporters in the front row were getting nausea and experiencing hair loss, so further news about Dr. Sinclair will be released in future press conferences promised chief researcher Dr. Джеффри Д. Повысился.

(The above image is used with the permission of the copyright holder. Dr. Sinclair is a real cat.  He likes naps in the Sun, salmon truffles, and belly rubs. This entire post is under copyright protection: Credit and copyright © Doug Stych, all rights reserved. Have a great week everyone!)


Written by unitedcats

April 1, 2012 at 6:39 pm

7 Responses

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  1. Sounds more like Dr Manhatten from the Watchman… Shoulda done a spoof on the Supreme court passing Obabacare 9-0, banning all ownership of firearms, recommending Treyvon be Cannonized, and amending the Unified Field Theory…


    April 1, 2012 at 6:54 pm

  2. This is very dangerous. I for one am terribly concerned.


    April 1, 2012 at 7:01 pm

  3. I wonder if he got that way from eating a radioactive bird. ;-)


    April 1, 2012 at 10:27 pm

  4. I forgot it was April 1rst until i got to gamma radiation and X-rays.


    April 1, 2012 at 10:39 pm

  5. New power source? Renewable? Lol, have a good one Doug!


    April 2, 2012 at 8:44 am

  6. Oh, you got me!
    April fools !
    isn’t this hopelessly circular

    John Galt

    April 2, 2012 at 8:06 pm

  7. very good, since translation of Russian is “victim of April fool’s joke”

    Just sorry I did not get around to reading this on the proper day!!



    April 4, 2012 at 8:51 am

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